Our Own Worst Enemy
by batfacedgirl
Summary: Feeling betrayed by his friend, Jim takes Bones on a dark journey where they learn it might be better to give than to receive. Kirk/McCoy SLASH, contains strong language and dub-con.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story comes from a combination of two random musings.

Jim always seems to be on the receiving end of the angst. What events might cause him to be on the giving end?

Jim tends to seem pretty happy, go-lucky. But anyone who has seen _TOS: The Enemy Within_ knows that there is a dark, aggressive, animalistic side to him that is vital to his personality. I just thought I'd explore it a little.

And why Bones? Because starship captains and science officers aren't the only ones who need love and attention. Especially when they look like Karl Urban!

Paramount own Star Trek

* * *

Part One

It wasn't a matter of deflection or evasion. Really, it was a matter of expediency. For the time being, Leonard "Bones" McCoy decided to fall back on his old standby and blame _the bitch_, as he often lovingly referred to his ex. Once again, she was managing to reach through time and space in order to drive a spike through his damaged heart.

He considered this carefully as he strode, then scurried, and finally flat-out ran through the halls of the _Enterprise_, desperately seeking the transport room, sure he would never make it. Then Jim would be gone, away on this insane suicide mission, and too many things would be left unsaid. He picked up even more speed. Who was he kidding, really. Certainly not himself. Sure, the bitch might have laid the groundwork for this particular unfortunate series of events, but he, Bones, Leonard McCoy, had erected his own bed on that foundation of pain and distrust. He was the one who had refused to let Jim in.

Perhaps it was understandable. Jim certainly seemed to think so, after a fashion. At least he had appeared resigned about it since receiving his captaincy. No more cajoling, teasing, or incessant flirtation, no more overdoses of the _irresistible_ Kirk charm. No more attempts to get Bones so drunk he might just slip up and fall into Jim's bed semi-willingly. No, since assuming command, Captain Kirk had relegated his apparently unrequited love for his best friend and CMO to an occasional lingering look or brief, platonic touch on the shoulder. Bones was grateful. He had loved before, thrown himself headfirst into that love, laid himself bare and left himself vulnerable to be stomped on and tossed away. The bitch had left him a changed man, frightened of others in a way he had never anticipated. Bones now knew just how easy it was for one person to cause another incredible pain.

And of all the people Bones had encountered since his divorce, Jim Kirk seemed the least likely candidate to heal his battered and beaten heart. They had formed an easy friendship at Starfleet, the two men sharing an understanding of life's harsh realities that most of their wide-eyed fellow cadets just couldn't comprehend. They had chosen to respond to this hard-won knowledge with divergent methodologies but infinite respect. It was practical and straight-forward. Bones screwed no one, Jim screwed everyone. And he did mean everyone; women, men, and those of a dubious persuasion. Over the course of their first two years, there were many moments when Bones found Jim's behavior distasteful, offensive and even downright bizarre but he kept his mouth shut and let his friend handle himself in unaccosted oblivion. And this happy little arrangement may have continued forever if Bones hadn't looked across their room one day and found Jim's predatory stare suddenly fixed upon _him_.

No, no, no, he was not going there! He had roomed with this man for more than two years and he recognized that Jim Kirk did not do commitment. As a friend, there was probably no man more loyal on Earth but as a lover he was inconstant, to put it politely. And Bones did not hesitate to tell him so. He had almost been destroyed by a lover's betrayal, he explained, and would not, could not put himself through that again.

But Jim had been persistent. As far as he was concerned, Bones had thrown down a gauntlet, and he, Jim Kirk, intended to run it and win. Competitive by nature, unwilling to acknowledge defeat, he had thrown himself into monogamy with fevered intensity. The rotating door of sex partners had stopped immediately. He had kept a purely physical relationship with some Orion girl from their Tactics class but kept Bones apprised of the matter. And he put the rest of his considerable expertise into seducing his roommate. Bones almost didn't have the stamina to resist the many fronts at which he was attacked.

First, there was the cute, cuddly Kirk designed to charm him, always ready to poke him, mess up his hair, or throw out a well-timed reminder about his reputed prowess in bed. Then, of course, there was Jim the friend. He was fond of pointing out their compatibility and Bones had to admit that the guy had a point. Their personalities were well suited, they genuinely enjoyed each other's company, and they challenged each other on a personal and intellectual level. It was fulfilling in a way that his marriage had never been, but it still wasn't enough to make Bones relent.

It was a third side of Jim that created the most havoc; Jim the expert lover. Say what he might about Jim's man-whore tendencies, Bones realized there was truth in the age old colloquialism "practice makes perfect". There just wasn't anything the man wasn't good at when it came to screwing around and Jim knew how to put this weapon to good use. He'd made no attempt to even touch Bones for the first three months of the "campaign". In fact, he had bided his time and waited for just the right moment to strike.

Leonard McCoy had been raised to be a Southern gentleman, in theory anyway, and one of the golden rules he'd had beaten into him in this vein was to always be polite to a lady. So when Admiral Guire, head of the Xenobiology department, asked him if he would mind giving his elderly mother a tour of Starfleet on her next visit, Bones obliged. Then, disaster struck, and he found himself racing across the campus, forty-eight minutes late, courtesy of a lab meltdown. Rushing towards the East Pavilion, his appointed meeting place with the admiral's mother, he glanced up and spotted……JIM! He was seated with the elderly lady, animatedly regaling her with tales of Starfleet's many exploits. Bones offered up apologies that were deemed unnecessary by the charmed woman and the three of them had ended up touring the facilities together.

Bones knew he had been saved. Guire was not known for his forgiving nature and leaving his mother stranded seemed the perfect way to sink a promising career. Bones knew he was indebted to Jim but hadn't even considered how he might repay when Jim suddenly strolled into their dorm room and straddled Bones in his desk chair. Resting his hands on his roomie's thighs, Jim said, "I think it's safe to say I saved your ass today."

Bones pressed himself into the chairback, "Yes, I guess you did. How did you know?"

"C'mon Bones. Word of an explosion in a science lab travels. I knew you were stuck, knew you had the meeting, and knew what Guire would do if you were late. I was just trying to be decent."

"Decent," Bones rolled the word over in his mind.

"Yes, and now, seeing how I saved you ass, I think it's time I get something in return." Jim smiled.

Bones did not reciprocate, "And just what do you want?"

"Nothing too invasive," Jim's chuckled at his own joke, "I want you to let me show you what you're missing, Bones," he leaned in close and whispered, "I want you to let me kiss you. Just once. And then we'll just see what happens." Looking supremely confident, Jim sat back and waited.

Bones was momentarily struck dumb. Recovering, he emphatically stated, "I am NOT kissing you."

"Oh, I see, so you DON'T know how to repay a favor."

"Jim, you saved my ass and probably my career. You want me to write some term papers for you, fine, done. But I am not kissing you."

"Afraid?"

"I'm NOT afraid of you, you little twit."

"Afraid of yourself, then. Don't think you can resist me?" Jim rested his head on Bones' shoulder, starring up at him with puppy dog eyes, "Just one little kiss. Its five minutes of your life. And you won't have to write extra papers."

Bones starred ahead, feeling his resolve crumble. He couldn't deny he was a little curious. After all, the dumb kid had to have some special magic and one little foray couldn't get him in too much trouble. Jim could sense his acquiescence and smiled. "Alright, here's the deal. You give me five minutes of full and uninterrupted participation. Then, if you still want me to stop, I will."

"If?"

"Trust me, Bones."

Trust. He'd nearly laughed. Trust, or lack of it, was the backbone of this entire non-relationship. But Bones couldn't resist and had nodded his permission. He had nearly sighed aloud when Jim gently pushed his eyes closed with a brush of his fingertips and he had sat in anxious anticipation, unable to see, as Jim had spent precious seconds slowly massaging the lobe of his ear, his breath ghosting over Bones' cheek. He had actually gasped a bit as their mouths first met, the action light and non-threatening. Jim had carefully suckled his lower lip, biting it delicately and tugging downward, forcing his mouth open just enough to give him access with his tongue. A tingling sensation had washed over him, butterflies jumping to life in his stomach and a sudden sense of awareness in his groin. It had escalated so quickly, Bones had momentarily lost his sense of reality. By the time his next conscious thought registered, Jim had bent his head over the back of the chair and was absolutely devouring his mouth. His own hands were up under Jim's shirt, gauging at the hot musculature of his friend's back. Had it been five minutes? Five hours? He didn't know. Without warning, Jim tore his mouth away. Resting their foreheads together, he starred deeply into Bones' eyes, "Do you want me to stop?", he asked, his voice devoid of levity.

Bones had no breath with which to speak. He could only shake his head. Jim's face bore no smile, just a look of determination. He lifted his foot and kicked off of Bones' desk, knocking their chair over and spilling them across the floor. What followed devolved into nothing but a collection of pure sensations, of lips, of hands on skin, of breath intermingling. Bones only knew that he had tasted sweat and had arisen from his reverie to find them on their knees on the floor, leaning over Jim's bed. He was buried to the hilt in his friend, sucking hard on his shoulder as he came in a gut-wrenching orgasm. He had pulled back, bringing Jim with him and the two of them had collapsed on the floor in a sated daze.

Thirty seconds or a lifetime later, Jim had forced himself up on one arm. He had reached out and tenderly stroked Bones' cheek, turning it to face him. Smiling lightly, he'd said, "I love you."

Bones had shrugged, pulled away, "YOU love sex."

"Yeah, yeah, I do. But I love it most with you because I LOVE YOU and that makes it better," Bones had opened his mouth to protest but Jim had silenced him with a finger to his lips, "Don't say it, Bones. I know this wasn't enough to convince you to let me in completely. I know you, you know, and I know what that bitch did to you. I can be patient. But consider this your notice. I love you and I intend to convince you of that. And you know how determined I can be."

And determined he was. He had pursued Bones with a dogged intensity. Yes, he had continued to occasionally have "interludes" with his Orion fuck-buddy but he was very adamant that they were purely physical and would stop the second Bones caved. And Bones had to admit he believed him. Jim was wooing him on an emotional level, working at building up a sense of trust. And he was not above using every weapon in his arsenal. So far, he had talked Bones into mindblowing sex on four different occasions.

But still Bones had resisted. Yes, love meant trust, but trust meant vulnerability, putting oneself on the lines. And as tempting as it was starting to appear, Bones just couldn't let go, not with Jim's past reputation. He knew he was hurting his friend but his poor, battered heart just refused to submit.

And then their lives had changed so quickly and drastically. In the span of three months, they had gone from cadets coping with a possible expulsion to captain and CMO of the federation flagship, departing on a five year mission into deep space. This newly acquired responsibility led to subtle but resonating changes in the men's relationship. Jim leaned heavily on his friend as an advisor and confidant but was pressed for time and energy in terms of romantic pursuit. It placed the relationship in a context that made Bones quite comfortable. Jim reached out to him, placed his trust in him, made himself vulnerable to him, but was in no real position to demand the same from his doctor. It was free of risk, a near perfect relationship, except that Bones had a strong sense that he was hurting his friend deeply through his perceived rejection.

He just couldn't seem to give in. He loved Jim, he was sure of it by now, loved him deeply and completely. And Jim had proved himself, gone above and beyond actually. Now two years into their mission, Jim had remained faithful to the mere possibility of Bones but the stubborn CMO just wouldn't allow himself to take the leap.

It would happen eventually, he told himself. They were still young, relatively, and they had plenty of time to act on these feelings. And one of these days, he was going to wake up and have the strength to take that step, to make the commitment that Jim had been patiently and painfully waiting on for almost three years.

But suddenly, those days had run out.

Bones guessed it was his own childish sense of invincibility that tripped him up. Not his own, but Jim Kirk's. Nothing, it seemed, could fell the man. But the law of the natural world did not apply to petty beauracratic jealousies. A man who became the youngest captain in Starfleet history would gain many admirers but he would undoubtedly also accrue enemies. And those enemies had chosen to strike.

Creil II was a planet rich in dilithium. It was also technologically advanced and intensely hostile towards the Federation. The last four attempts at outreach to the planet had resulted in the whole sale slaughter of the landing party, protected under the inhabitants' right to autonomy. As a result, no such contact had been attempted in the last forty years. Now, it appeared someone with considerable clout had made the convincing argument that the brash and handsome young captain of the _Enterprise_ was just the person to successfully re-open negotiations. The _Enterprise_ command crew and Starfleet had been engaged in heated discussion, with Admiral Pike and Mr. Spock forcefully arguing against it as a suicide mission. But there words had gone unheeded and Captain Kirk had gamefully prepared to complete his mission.

As a captain, Jim was nothing if not realistic. He had staunchly refused to be accompanied by a landing party and Mr. Spock had held his tongue regarding the dereliction of regulations. Despite this, Jim had avoided approaching the mission as the death sentence he knew it almost definitely was. Instead, he had calmly given Mr. Spock control of the bridge, and entered the turbolift as if it were any other day. He navigated the halls, heading towards a transport shuttle as if nothing was amiss.

Bones might have missed him entirely if Christine Chapel hadn't come hooking into sickbay and rushed up to his side. "He's going through with it," she'd whispered furiously, "He's going down there. He's heading for the shuttle right now!"

Bones had fled. A dedicated doctor and consummate professional, he had never abandoned sickbay but at this moment, he didn't give it a thought. He raced through the halls, cursing his ex-wife for trampling his heart, cursing himself more for being controlled by his own insecurities, and praying to whatever gods were listening that he might make it on time. Finally, rounding the last corner, he caught sight of dirty blond hair and a gold shirt in the hall in front of him.

"JIM!!"

Jim froze mid-step but didn't turn. He waited while Bones ran up and came to face him. The two men starred at each other for a moment, eyes slightly wild with conflicting emotions. Finally, Bones just couldn't stand it anymore, "You were just going to LEAVE!"

"It is a simple negotiation option, Bones. I don't see what the big deal is."

"Don't play cute with me, goddamit! Jim…………they're going to kill you down there. You can't go."

"Unfortunately, I don't see that as an option, being the captain and all. I have to follow these pesky orders that come in from Starfleet. This is one of them. Besides, you know I'm not that easy to kill." He smiled but his eyes remained flat.

Bones starred. His words seemed to dry up in his mouth. He searched Jim's for any sign of hesitancy and found none and an uncontrollable sense of panic welled up in his chest.

"Jim………..dammit, please don't do this. I'm sorry……..I didn't mean to…….," he paused, turning away from the man he had betrayed with his own fears, "Jim……….dammit, Jim I love you! I LOVE you and I don't know how to be without you." He spun back around. "They can't just send you down there to die…….you can't let them," he could hear whispers of hysteria creeping into his voice but he just didn't care, "PLEASE, Jim! I'm begging you! Please don't do this!"

The captain's eyes had settled on the floor and his face was fixed in careful contemplation. Bones waited. But when he raised his head, the expression in his eyes was not what Bones had anticipated. A deep, molten fury burned like blue fire from Jim Kirk's face. Emanating a deep snarl, he lunged forward and grabbed the doctor by the shoulders, spinning him and shoving him hard into a storage alcove. Swinging him around, Jim slapped his hands on either side of his friend's shocked face.

e He He "You tell me this now, you fucking coward," grabbing him by the arm, Jim spun Bones around, pressing his cheek into the wall. Leaning into him, Jim raged in his ear, "Now! For three years I have put myself out there for you, waited for you to realize that you could trust me. For three years you've played with me, perfectly happy to keep me dependant on you while you floated by, completely safe and unscathed. Do you think it wasn't hard for me? Do you think you're the only one who has issues with trust? But I took the damn risk. And now, NOW, you decide to come and tell me you love me, when it can only make things worse. I am doing to die, Bones. I'll go down there and they'll kill me. I'm not fucking stupid. I've got about one chance in a million that this is going to work and you decide to unload this shit on me now." With a barking growl, Jim lunged forward, whirling Bones around by the throat and crushing their mouths together, driving the doctor's skull into the bulkhead with the force. Pulling away, he whispered furiously, "I know you love me, Doctor. I've always known. Since our first night together, I've known. And I also know that you were too damn chickenshit to do anything about it. So, I'll you what I'm going to do. I'm going to haunt you, Doctor. I'm going to latch on to you like leech and follow you for the rest of your damn life. And so help me God, I will make you pay."

And with that, he released his hold on Bones neck and strode into the hall without a backwards glance. Bones detected the footsteps and heard the launch coordinates followed by the recognizable humming of a shuttle whirring into action. And then he sunk to the ground, his legs no longer willing to hold him.


	2. Chapter 2

Paramount owns Star Trek

Karl Urban belongs to heaven

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Part Two

The starship _Enterprise_ remained in orbit around the planet of Creil II for three days. Mr. Spock, as acting captain, had requested permission from Starfleet to be allowed to circumvent the original order and send down a search party for their missing captain but the request had been summarily denied and now the entire crew sat impotently waiting on some word of their leader. With the passing of more than seventy-six hours, though, despair hung heavy in the air.

Nowhere was this sentiment thicker than in the ship's sickbay. Chapel and the other staff had been anticipating a doctor on a warpath but they had gotten something quite different. McCoy continued to dispense medical attention with his usual expertise but his cantankerous persona and caustic wit were absent. In fact, he was practically non-verbal and buried himself in paperwork every second he wasn't with a patient. Both Chapel and Mr. Spock had attempted to speak to him but he had waved them away, his eyes glazed with pain.

And then it had happened. At 6:37, exactly 79.4 hours after James T. Kirk's departure in the shuttle, a young yeoman had dashed breathlessly through the sickbay doors and shrieked, "He's back, the captain's back!"

A jubilant cry had erupted from the sickbay as medical staff and patients alike had loudly expressed their joy and relief. But as Christine Chapel turned to hug an ensign with a broken foot, she caught sight of Dr. Leonard McCoy slumped in the doorway of his office, chest heaving and face white as a ghost. He didn't move, not even when a ship wide communication began to broadcast, "Attention, all crew. This is Captain James T. Kirk speaking. We have completed our mission and are currently preparing to leave orbit."

Bones shut his eyes. It was HIS voice. He was okay. By some miracle, by the angels that seemed to dance on his shoulders, he was actually okay. Turning, Bones stumbled into his office, grabbing for the bourbon he kept hidden for emergencies. He took two gulps right from the bottle and sank down against his office door.

He had no idea how long he had been sitting there but suddenly he heard the voice again, right outside the door. Walking out into sickbay, he stopped and starred. He was there…he looked completely unharmed and was actually walking around, laughing and joking with the relieved crewmembers who filled the sickbay. Chapel was running a tricorder over him and pronouncing him in _excellent_ health. He gifted her with his thousand watt smile and then turned, lifted his head, and seared his CMO with a look of blazing intensity. Bones forgot to breathe. He forgot to think. He forgot everything but those eyes. There was a promise in those eyes, and they promised nothing good.

"Well," exclaimed the captain in his most jocular manner, "I assure you all that I am fine. The mission was a success. And we are now going to get the _hell_ away from this planet," he smiled as the crew chuckled in relief. "Now if you will excuse me, I have some things to see to."

He had headed towards the exit. Feeling a strange combination of relief and defeat, Bones had turned to retreat back into his office when he was stopped short by the officious voice that called out his name from the door. "Dr. McCoy."

He turned, anxiety clearly written on his face, "Captain?"

"Report to my quarters at 2200. I have a lot to discuss with you." Turning on his heels, Jim Kirk exited sickbay.

Bones barely suppressed a shiver. To the unobservant eye, the exchange would've appeared completely normal between the two men but Bones knew Jim Kirk, had seen that look and heard that tone of honeyed malice before. Jim saved it for situations he considered to be hostile. He sighed. He supposed he should be grateful. He had been adequately warned.

At 2155, Bones hovered around the corner from the captain's quarters. He was leaning against the wall, engaging in an internal lecture on the foolishness of his current actions. Why was he acting like a nervous school girl? Jim was his friend. Jim was alive and this was a good, no, make that a wonderful thing. He had also finally been provoked into admitting his feelings, which, he thought, was probably _also_ a good thing. He would go to Jim's quarters, a venue nearly as familiar to him as his own, and they would argue this out. And put it behind them. That was how it should happen, this discussion between two adults. Yet, Bones still felt hesitant. Some sixth sense was screaming, "Danger" in his mind for all it was worth. Alas, he was out of time to consider this little warning. It was now one minute past 2200. Pushing away from the wall, Bones palmed the door to the captain's cabin.

"Enter."

Bones stepped inside, eyes immediately alighting on Jim, seated at his desk, the very picture of efficient ship captain. He was organizing a pile of data PADDs, handing them off to a slightly frazzled yeoman. Receiving her instructions, the yeoman headed for the door. As it slid shut behind her, the captain spoke for the first time, "Computer, initiate door locks, Captain's override, authorization Kirk, James 861132." His voice was calm and unemotive and his eyes remained fixed on the work strewn across his desk.

Bones felt his stomach seize slightly. They were apparently amping up for one hell of a fight if they needed the doors locked. It made him feel slightly caged, despite that fact that his medical override could open the doors at any moment. He waited quietly but Jim continued to ignore him, perusing the endless pile of PADDs on his desk. As he stood there, he couldn't help but notice that the only illumination in the entire cabin came from the lamp on Jim's desk

Bones felt frustration rising in him. Surliness was his defense mechanism and he felt his ire beginning to take over. This man was his friend. Technically, this man was already his lover and the combined annoyance and desperation finally won out over niggling fear and doubt. Taking two steps forward, he spoke," Jim, talk to me. Please tell me what happened."

"Captain."

"What?"

"Captain, doctor. You will call me captain."

Bones paused a moment to digest this. Well, all things considered, he supposed a healthy dose of humility was probably in order, "Alright then, captain. Please talk to me."

Jim didn't respond, remaining calm and busy at his desk. Bones bristled under the dismissal, his remorse warring with his trademark rancor. "I have to get out of here," he thought, "before I do or say something that makes this worse." Stepping back towards the door, he said, " Jim……captain…I can see you're busy. I'll return when you have more free time." He received no acknowledgement. Completely rankled, he strode towards the entrance, "Computer, medical override on captain's quarters, authorization McCoy, Leonard, 7391072." He waited. Nothing happened.

From behind him, a bored voice stated, "I reprogrammed a Starfleet computer simulation developed by Vulcans, doctor. Disabling your medical override on this door was actually really simple."

Effectively trapped, Bones spun and starred at his friend, desperately trying to read him, to find some clue as to his intent. Jim clearly wasn't interested in a calm discussion between two rational, ranking starship officers. He lounged back in his desk chair, his gaze fixed on Bones, assessing him coolly. There was no hint of a smile, no slight remnant of his joking good nature or charm. Bones knew this face. It was the face of the captain, right before he ordered some enemy blown out of existence.

This was ridiculous. He was NOT afraid of Jim Kirk. But an honest appraisal of his feelings left Bones feeling considerably less certain of himself. He might not fear Jim, his friend and confidant but the person he was dealing with was not that man. He was powerful and enraged and that fury was all being directed at the good doctor. Bones felt cowed under the weight of it.

As he considered this, Jim suddenly rose and walked toward him. Walked? Stalked was more like it. Bones had never felt more like prey. Jim's deathly quiet continued as he strode to Bones' side, his eyes fixed on the entrance to his cabin. He betrayed not the slightest hint of emotion before his arm suddenly shot out, catching Bones squarely in the side of the head with a vicious right cross.

Bones felt himself go airborne for a moment before crash landing onto the deck. He lay dazed for a split second, catching his breath, before jumping to his feet and holding his hands in front of him in a gesture of surrender. "Jim, stop. Look I know I deserved that but…."

"Really, doctor," the bored voice interrupted, "You deserved it?" Before Bones could blink, Jim's right hand connected with his jaw again, knocking him back into the wall. Sliding to the floor, he looked up into the ice cold eyes of his best friend, "Tell me doctor, did you deserve that one, too?"

Bones stayed down. He had just gotten his friend back from near certain death. He was NOT going to engage in a fist fight with him, even if it meant getting his ass kicked. Rolling across the floor, he backed himself into a corner, "Jim..ah..captain…..I am not doing this. You want to beat the shit out of me, go ahead but it's going to be a one sided fight."

Jim chuckled, a dark, acidic sound, "Doctor, I don't want to beat you. We have way too much to discuss." Moving quickly, his face still stony but his eyes spitting fire, he moved to his desk. Grasping the lamp, he aimed it out into the room, "Come here, doctor," he said politely, "Step into the light."

Bones rose slowly to his feet but remained pressed into the corner. He did not like where this was going. He was strong, in good shape and could hold his own in a fight but Jim was an Iowa farm boy who had raised bar brawls to an art form. He was stronger and faster and Bones knew that in this confined space, he would be at a distinct disadvantage. And he need not forget the seething anger. Despite his indifferent façade, Jim's rage was practically its own entity, rising off of the man in curling waves and tendrils. Still flush against the wall, Bones took a moment to carefully weigh his options. Here he was more protected but disobeying a direct order from a furious lover who was also his commanding officer didn't seem to be a particularly prudent course of action, especially while trapped inside a small room. Resigning himself to whatever came next, he pushed off the wall and moved into the beam of light. It blinded him, turning Jim into an unreadable silhouette. He kept his eyes fixed on the menacing shadow as it slowly walked behind him.

No, no, this wasn't good. What was he thinking? You didn't let your enemy have a clear shot at your back. And whoever Jim Kirk might be to him, Bones had not doubt that the man currently in the room with him was his enemy. Finally, unable to stand it another second, Bones made to turn on the man behind him. But before he budged an inch, he was drawn up short by the cold, sharp sensation of a blade pressing into the side of his throat.

Bones exhaled, the air rushing out of his lungs. Gasping, he inclined his head just barely, enough to catch a glimpse of the gleaming blade. It didn't tremble or twitch, betraying not the slightest hesitation on the part of the man who held it. Bones squeezed his eyes shut. How had he ended up here? This was not Jim Kirk playing a game. This was an enraged scorned lover, a man who had sworn he would make Bones pay, and he was currently pressing a knife to his throat.

"Jim!"

"Excuse me?" The voice was still so damned calm.

"Captain….dammit…..stop this!" a sheen of sweat broke out across his forehead.

"Quid pro quo, doctor."

"Fine, what the hell do you want?"

Jim emitted a satisfied sigh, the sound cold and distinctly unpleasant. A pregnant pause hung heavily in the air.

"Remove your shirt, doctor."

Oh no, he was not playing his game! This was too much. Gritting his teeth, he stared straight ahead, refusing to acknowledge the captain or the knife that lingered just above his skin.

"I gave you an order, doctor. I think your current behavior construes insubordination. As your captain, I believe it is my responsibility to take you to task for your actions."

The blade flickered. Bones tensed but was still completely unprepared when the knife hooked into the back of his shirt and, with a sudden downward jerk, rent it from neck to waist. Bones braced for pain but felt nothing. He was not cut but his blue over shirt was hanging loosely off of him. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as the captain strode to his desk. Taking a seat on the edge, he propped his boot on the chair and rested the knife on his knee. Fixing his icy stare on Bones, he held out his hand and said, "Now doctor…..Give…..me….your…..shirt!"

Anger and trepidation warring within him, Bones relented, pulling off the ruined shirt and flinging it at the captain, who caught it and brought it to his face. Inhaling deeply, he looked up and smiled at Bones, "Now doctor, what shall we take off next?"

Bones snapped. "You want anything else, you can come over and take your best shot. I am DONE with this shit."

Jim's expression remained cold and amused. "Yes, Bones, we could do that. And I'm sure you know that I would eventually win. But time is awastin, as your mother would say, and I think we need to move things along here. We only have all night, after all." Letting the promise of those words hang in the air, he reached back and grasped something on his desk. Spinning around, he aimed a phaser right in the middle of Bones' chest.

"Now, doctor," he continued, holding Bones' horrified stare, "You have two choices. You can strip and come to my bed or I'll stun you into submission and then put you there myself." Placing his knife in a desk drawer and turning the lock, he rose and took a step towards his helpless prisoner, a mirthless smile decorating his lips.

It took Bones whole moments to find his voice. "Jim, dammit, what do you expect me to do? You and I both know you aren't going to shoot me."

"Actually, doctor, I think you're wrong about that. I am the captain, after all, and it's probably only fair to warn you that I am willing to completely abuse every ounce of power I have in order to, um, make my point to you. And I think you'll find that I'm actually pretty eager to shoot you. In fact, seeing as how you can't even follow the simplest of orders, like remembering to refer to me as _captain…_I think you just made your choice." And with no additional warning, he fired the phaser right into his friend's chest.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter contains strong language, blatant sexual acts and elements of bondage. Please take the rating seriously. I actually can't believe I manged to write this chapter. Never knew I had it in me. Please enjoy.

I don't own Star Trek

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Part Three

When Bones was eight, he had gone swimming in Avenswood Creek with some friends. Racing home that night, late for supper and still dripping wet, he had tripped and fallen against an old-fashioned electric border fence. The shock had been incredible and he had lain on the ground, completely winded and nauseous, for almost fifteen minutes. And yet, as horrible as that memory was, it was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now.

There was a reason why they called it a stun. It literally took your mind away for a moment. Bones was aware of his body on some conscious level but couldn't quite grasp how he was supposed to get it to work. His nerves had been shocked into actual sedation and he sprawled helplessly on his back, arms lying limply over his head, unable to provide himself even the most basic protection as the man he loved, the man who had done this to him, bore down on his inert frame.

Not that he could see Jim. His eyes had fallen shut when he landed and he lacked the muscle and nerve control necessary to open them. But he could sense Jim, feel him, and was not surprised when two fingers gently raised his eyelids. He could just mange to keep them open under his own power and he stared up at the dangerous stranger currently straddling his waist.

Bones would have groaned if he could. Jim's weight set off a firestorm of sensations, his oversensitive nerves protesting in grandiose form. But he could do nothing as Jim leaned down and hovered over his face.

"I hope you understand now just how serious I am, doctor. I told you I was looking forward to shooting you. I'll enjoy doing it again if you don't behave." Leaning closer, Jim carefully licked Bones' lips, sending shafts of pain through the muscles of his face. "You _owe_ me, doctor, and tonight I'm the devil who has come to collect."

Jim jumped up, causing tremors to streak through Bones' abdominals. _Godddammmitttt_. He tried not to move, tried not to breath, because every slight twitch set off his screaming nerve endings. His entire body was on high alert and the situation was only exacerbated by the adrenaline coursing through his veins, trying to will him back into action. Lying there helplessly, Bones gradually became aware of some movement in his fingertips. _Okay, good, that's good. _Muscle control was returning slowly. His temporary relief was succinctly cut off, however, when Jim suddenly reached down, dragged him up by the wrists and threw him forcefully over his shoulder. Pain exploded in his entire body, nerve endings firing everywhere at a thousand percent. He tried desperately to scream but only succeeded in emitting a weak little moan. Then, the pain was compounded a hundred fold as Bones found himself dropped inelegantly on his stomach in the middle of Jim's bed.

"Shit," he thought, "Shit, SHIT." He wasn't sure what his fucking _captain_ was up to but he felt sure about one thing. It was never, never a good idea to let yourself be incapacitated in the middle of a bed belonging to an enraged psycho with a phaser and power trip. As badly as he hated to admit it, Jim was scaring the hell out of him. He'd stunned him, he'd actually _stunned_ him. And Bones believed him when he said he would do it again. This was a dangerous situation and Bones had a feeling it was going to get worse. 'We only have all night, he had said, letting his tongue curl around the _all_. Bones squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, a bubble of panic rising in his chest. Jim wanted something from him, Jim intended to take something from him, take it all night long, and at this rate Bones was fairly certain that whatever it was, he was going to let Jim have it. So far, the captain was proving to be frighteningly persuasive.

Off to his left, he could hear Jim moving around the room. Dammit, he needed to see what the bastard was doing. Mustering his forbearance, Bones pushed his throbbing muscles and managed to slowly turn his head towards the noise. It hurt, no it fucking KILLED, aggravated nerves lighting up all over his shoulders and back. He lay panting for a moment, trying to control the pain. This had to be part of the plan, he thought. There really wouldn't be any need for additional torture. All Jim would need to do was run his fingers along any portion of Bones' body and he would be reduced to a screaming, hysterical automaton in moments, willing to say or do anything to make it stop. Bones was painting himself a very ugly picture. His friend Jim would never hurt him but Bones hadn't seen Jim yet. No, he was currently lying helpless in front of a man who intended to take his perceived rejection out on him in a prolonged and physical way. One that involved stun guns…..and knives!

Jim looked up and met Bones' eyes. Cocking his head, he took several steps and then dropped down on his knees beside the bed. He let his gaze wander the length of the prostrate form sprawled defenselessly on his bed before once again locking eyes with the helpless doctor. Without breaking his stare, the captain very deliberately ran his hand under Bones' black undershirt and up the length of his spine.

Bones almost convulsed but his muscles and nerves weren't yet that cooperative. He pressed his cheek into the mattress in a desperate attempt to cope with the agony being inflicted on his back, gritting his teeth and trying to get the breath together to shriek. When Jim, reached the base of his neck, he turned and ran his fingers back down in the opposite direction. At the swell of Bones' ass, he removed his hand, leaned his face in close and said in a brittle voice, "Now doctor, who _am _I."

Poor Bones was barely capable of lucid thought. "What?" he gasped.

Jim clucked his teeth and shook his head. This time, he ran both hands up and down Bones' back and the prone man jerked his head up and keened in the back of his throat. He collapsed back on the bed as Jim removed his hands a second time. "Now let's try again, doctor. Who _am I?" _

It took Bones almost thirty seconds to catch enough breath to answer. He understood now. "You're the captain," he stammered.

Jim cocked his head again, looking disappointed. Leaning in, he spread his hands over Bones' shoulders and whispered in his ear, "_Whose captain?"_

Tears were forming in Bones eyes and he was panting loudly but he still heard the question. So this was the game, to make him vulnerable, to make him beg. He pressed his forehead into the mattress, trying to test his resolve but he already realized it was a losing battle. Just this simple caress was making him nauseous and faint. Any firmer pressure would make him lose his mind. And what if Jim stunned him again? Could this actually get even worse? No, there just wasn't any room for pride right now. He was trapped, well and good, and Jim would have his pound of flesh.

Turning his head, he gasped out the answer he knew Jim wanted to hear. "_MINE!"_

Jim leaned towards him again, "I'm sorry doctor, I couldn't quite hear you. What did you say?"

"I said you're mine, dammit," he practically screamed, "You…..are……my……..captain………..PLEASE!"

Immediately, the hands retracted. Bones panted a sigh of relief as Jim strode over and straddled his desk chair. Appraising Bones from a distance¸ he said, "You always were a quick study. I'm glad we're beginning to understand each other." His smile was absolutely malicious. "Now, doctor, this is a two-sided relationship, right? If I'm_ your_ captain, as you say, than it would only make sense that you are _mine _as well. Right?"

Bones stared for a moment. Closing he eyes, he dropped his head back into the mattress, nodding his head in the process.

Jim reached for him again. "I'm sorry, doctor, I couldn't quite make that out."

Bones jumped, flinching from the pain. "I said yes."

"Yes, what, doctor."

"Yes, I am yours."

The hand came down on his shoulder, "Ahhhhhhhh…..CAPTAIN…….Yes, I am yours, Captain."

"Good, doctor, we're making progress. Now, as your captain, it's my prerogative to make demands of you, my subordinate, which you will carry out. My first order of command is for us to get you out of those clothes. Now, I see two ways to approach this. I can either pull them off of you or cut them off. Pulling them off will be way more painful but cutting them off will involve the use of my knife, which seemed to make you very nervous before. So, doctor, since I respect your opinions, what would you recommend I do?"

Bones searched Jim's face, looking for any sign of his friend's playful good humor. There was none. Just the cold, hard visage of a man committed to his course of action. He took a moment to consider his options. Having the form fitting shirt and pants pulled off was going to be agonizing but the pain would fade and he would somehow find a way to handle it. He did _not_ want Jim taking his knife back out, not in his current state of mind.

"Doctor, don't you want to give your input? I'm surprised. Normally, I can't shut you up." The Captain placed his fists on either side of Bones' head and leaned down, whispering in his ear, "and here I thought I was being a nice guy, giving you some say in your current situation. That's certainly more than you've given me in the last three years, wouldn't you agree."

Bones saw the blue eyes momentarily flare with emotion. He realized that whichever option he chose, Jim might just do the opposite to spite him. But what choice did he have? "Pull them off……..please……Captain."

"As you wish, doctor." Bones braced himself but nothing could have prepared him for the pain that rippled up and down his legs as first one boot and then the other where pulled down his calves and off his feet with agonizing languor. He grimaced. He might have known the captain would do it as slowly as possible. He balled his fists as Jim grasped the hem of his shirt and slowly worked it up the length of his torso. Everywhere the fabric brushed, his nerve ending came alive in fiery pain. Up over his shoulders, down the length of his arms. A thousand knife points stabbing him at once. The captain took a minute to ghost a finger down the length of his back, a promise of more pain to come. Then there were hands at his waist, buttons and zippers unceremoniously flicked open and fresh pain exploded down the length of his thighs and previously abused calves as his pants were yanked cleanly away, leaving him clad in nothing but his regulation black boxer briefs. The pain was everywhere again, almost as intense as when he had first been stunned and he breathed through it, in and out in carefully measured pants, concentrating on that to distract himself as best he could.

As Bones tried recover some semblance of composure, Jim walked back over to his desk and once again took a seat in the chair. He stared out over the prone body of his imprisoned CMO but Bones could see the distant look in the man's eyes. He seemed lost in thought and Bones took the momentary reprieve to quickly assess his current situation. Okay, his entire body was still racked with pain and he could barely move a muscle. On top of that, he was practically naked in the bed of a man who apparently had no compunction about either shooting or fucking him. That was definitely all bad news. On the other hand, he now had complete control of his hands and head and he could feel strength returning to his forearms. Bones forced himself to relax. He needed to bide his time and do nothing to further antagonize the captain. He could do nothing to fight back at the moment but if he stayed quiet and allowed his strength to return, maybe he could pull off some cheap shot and make a run for it. Of course, even if he made good his getaway, he would still need to contend with this new and sadistic element of Jim's personality. An escape was guaranteed to _seriously_ piss this new Jim off and Bones shuddered to think where else the captain's mind could go if it had already devolved to phasers. Well, he couldn't worry about that now. His first order of business had to be getting off this bed and out the door…….._A door that was currently locked and disabled! Shit!_......now what?

Before he could reach any satisfactory solutions, Bones was roused from his thoughts by a movement from the captain. Eyes now focused with deadly intensity, Jim crossed his arms over the back of his chair and gazed at Bones unnervingly. Moving with quick and fluid grace, he leaped on the bed, planting one foot on either side of the helpless man's waist. Dropping to one knee, he ran his hands through and over Bones' hair and said, "I think, doctor, that it's time you and I had a discussion. And you'll look at me when I talk to you." Hopping to the side of the bed, he grasped an arm and a thigh, hauling Bones across the sheet and flipping him over onto his back. He collapsed in an undignified sprawl, everything burning AGAIN. Jesus H. FUCKING Christ!!! He couldn't take much more of this.

Jim stepped back on the bed, sinking down to rest on Bones' lower abs. His eyes bulged and he grimaced for a moment but Jim didn't move and the pain slowly muted. Leaning forward slightly, the captain began to run a hand around the planes of Bones' chest. The touch was light but still uncomfortable and Bones' breath hitched from the contact.

"Now, doctor. I would appreciate it if you would remind me what you were saying to your good friend Jim right before his little adventure on the planet?"

Bones studied Jim's face. Now he was talking about himself in the third person? Right, he wasn't Jim, he was the captain. At least he recognized it. And the planet! Bones had forgotten. What happened down there and what bearing did it have on his current situation? He was jerked back to reality by a hard right cross slap. "Stay with me here, doctor. What did you say to Jim."

Bones shook his head, clearing his mind. _Answer the damn question!_ "I told him I loved him."

"I see. And had you just realized this?"

Bones could see where this was going, nowhere good and fast. But he could see no choice but honesty. He had to keep Jim away from the phaser. "No, I had known for a long time."

"That's pretty vague, doctor, don't you think. Exactly how long would you say?"

"I don't know, a really long time."

"HOW LONG!"

Bones flinched. But at the same moment he realized that he could move his arms. It was painful, but he could move them. _Just a little longer….Answer the question_.

"Since that night."

"Which night?"

"You know which night!!!" Another slap, this one backhanded.

"Well, I believe I know which night but I like specifics, doctor."

"Fine, fine. The night we first fucked."

"Fucked? Now I thought you said you love Jim. Do you fuck the ones you love?"

"No, fine, dammit, the night…….the night we first made love….happy?"

"We? Doctor, I'm pretty sure _I_ wasn't there. Your friend Jim was the one you made love to, and I think you and I both know that _your friend _isn't here right now. Now doctor, you say that you've known that you love your friend for, what, like three years. Why haven't you said anything?" Jim's tone remained one of curious detachment.

_Christ, he's gonna make me spell every damn thing out, isn't he._ Bones had to give Jim respect for his methods, even if he was currently scaring him to death. He had certainly figured out how to get Bones to tell the truth. And he'd better continue, if he ever wanted to get out this. "You know why. But yeah, I'll say it. I was too scared."

"I think there are stronger words that would apply here, doctor. Don't you?"

"Oh, for……you just want it all, don't you. I was a fucking coward, CAPTAIN! Are you satisfied! Is that what you wanted to hear?" Bones had lifted his head off the bed but dropped if back down. Why could he never control his temper? Why, oh why, was he yelling at the crazy man with the phaser?"

"Ah, I see, you were a coward. Now doctor, what exactly were you afraid of?"

"Hurt, rejection. I trusted that bitch and she stepped all over my heart. And YOU, Captain, you were a complete player. I didn't trust that you wouldn't destroy me if I let you in."

SLAP. That one was stunningly hard, and Bones felt blood pool in his cheek from where it had cut against his teeth. Jim was seething and for a moment the façade of cool composure cracked and Bones could see the murderous rage and hurt threatening to break through to the surface. But as quickly as it was there it was gone again. Jim smiled coldly, "Some people are worth the risk, doctor. Of course, some people aren't. Guess your _friend_ Jim wasn't. But as I said, he's not here now." He paused, "Oh, and doctor?"

"Yeah"

"I'm not as fucking stupid as you're currently hoping I am."

Without warning, Jim drove his knuckles into Bones' ribs, sending fresh rivers of pain coursing through his stomach and sides. It shot over his shoulders and down his back and Bones screamed aloud. Desperately, he willed his arms to lay still but instinct and self-preservation won out and he found himself ineffectually pushing against Jim's hands.

SLAP!

"Ah, doctor. As I thought. Pretty soon you'll be able to move everything, although you'll still feel it, I promise. Soooooo, we once again have a choice. And, being the magnanimous man that I am, I will once again let you make that choice." He reached over to the desk and grabbed the phaser. Bones visibly tensed, panic in his eyes as he looked up at Jim. "Now, we can just shoot you again. After all, it's been very affective so far. Or, we could go with option number two." Reaching under his bed, Jim retrieved a six foot leather strap. "Old carriage reign, a throwback to my farm days. Now, doctor, I won't shoot you again if you willingly allow me to tie you down."

Bones shut his eyes. It was over, he wasn't getting out of this. And he now had a pretty good idea where _this_ was going. The idea of being physically powerless beneath an angry, vengeful, and _aroused _Captain James Kirk absolutely terrified him but the thought of another phaser stun was just too much. With a grim expression on his face, he held up his hands in surrender before cooperatively extending his wrists.

"Good doctor."

His wrists were seized and expertly wrapped, binding them across each other in an x-shaped pattern. His arms were wrenched over his head and the leather strap was bound securely to the bed's heavy headboard. As Jim released him, Bones pulled experimentally at the bonds and sighed. They were tight and strong. There would be no getting out of them. Jim settled back down at his waist and pulled his gold uniform top over his head.

"You look nervous, doctor. Actually, you look terrified." Jim smiled at the thought. "I never realized I scared you so much. You never seemed all that intimidated before."

"I am NOT afraid of Jim Kirk!" Bones spat, "But as you keep reminding me, you're not him!"

"I see. Do you want him back, doctor?

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Dammit, yes, captain. I want him back."

"Well, the solution is simple. If you want him back, you will have to make me go away." He leaned in close, whispering into Bones' ear, "Give me what I want and I'll go away." He sat back and waited.

Bones stared up into those cold eyes. No, he didn't lie, the Jim that was his friend wasn't here. And Bones did want him back, did want this cold entity to go away. Not for the first time, he wondered just what had occurred on Criel. Or had nothing happened? Could this all be laid solidly at his feet, at his refusal to acknowledge Jim's love? He exhaled deeply and looked up, "Alright, I'll give you what you want."

The demon with Jim's face smiled down at him. "Very good, doctor. Now spread your legs."

He'd been ready for that but hearing it stated so blatantly was still unnerving. He tried to calm himself down. What was the big deal? It wasn't like he'd never had Jim Kirk inside him before. But here again, he was reminded, this wasn't his friend. This was a side of Jim that Bones had only seen a handful of times, never focused at him, and never, never in response to something so intensely personal. He had rejected Jim, strung him along, hurt him when he should have loved him and then revealed himself at the last possible minute. In return, Jim had turned his inner monster loose on him and he was fairly certain that monster was about to fuck him senseless. Realizing the complete futility of resistance at this point and desperate to incur no more wrath than necessary, Bones slowly opened his legs.

Jim smiled. He climbed on the bed in between Bones' thighs and toed off his own boots. "You know," he said as his hands went to the button on his pants, "Your nerves are all highly sensitized." His pants slid over his hips and hit the bed. "That means everything hurts you more." His shirt landed on top of his pants. With a flick of his foot, the outfit tumbled off the bed, leaving him clad in nothing but his own black boxer briefs. Bones' hysterical thoughts_ "Hey, we match!"_ were immediately quelched by returning panic as Jim sank down to kneel between his legs. "But of course, it also means other sensations are heightened, too." He leaned forward, his hands coming to rest on either side of Bones' face. "Now, will you give me what I want?"

"What do you want?"

"I want you to kiss me like you love me."

"I do love…….."

SLAP! Another backhand this time.

"No, you don't. Maybe you love your friend, Jim but he isn't here right now. But you're good at pretending, right? After all, you've been pretending that you don't love him." Jim caught his chin, "I want to play pretend, doctor. I want you to kiss me like you love me. Will you give me what I want?"

Defeated, Bones nodded. Jim rested his body along Bones chest, ignoring the small pants of pain that the doctor emitted from the contact. He pressed his hand along Bones cheek and slowly lowered his mouth. At the touch of their lips, Bones felt something come alive in him. _Pretend I love you, huh, well I do love you, even this crazy ass fucked up part of you that you're pushing on me like some kind of defense mechanism. Dammit, can't you understand I was scared of you. Can't you understand I'm sorry? And when will this be enough. Just how fast and far will you push this before you sense of vengeance is satisfied? _He didn't ask the questions because he didn't want to know the answer. But he leaned up into Jim's mouth, pulling his head off the mattress, pushing his tongue in between Jim's lips. He caressed the inside of Jim's cheeks, stroked his tongue, suckled his lips, and placed feather light kisses along his jaw line. It was soft and yet ravenous and Bones' felt the tautness and then the twinge when Jim's composure finally snapped.

He drove Bones' head back into the mattress, devouring his lips while running his hands ran up and down the planes of his chest. Tremors of pain shot everywhere but Bones attention was on his mouth. He vaguely felt the waist band of his boxers riding over his hips, down his legs and new that his last line of defense had been stripped away. A hot body that smelled of all things Jim was caressing him from his fingertips to his toes. A part of him wanted to surrender, to just let this person who looked, smelled and _tasted_ like Jim have him completely. God, he wanted him. And in another moment, he _was_ going to let him have him. Jim was kissing him up and down his chest, over his stomach¸ along his thighs, tonguing his cock and he could feel his resistance fading. He felt a hand tracing down the ridge of his ass, felt fingers probing¸ stretching him and he panted and pushed against them involuntarily. Dammit, he couldn't fight this. And then Jim was there, poised at his entrance, and Bones was bracing himself, ready to accept anything when all of the sudden Jim pulled away. Grabbing Bones by the chin, he stared right into his eyes.

"I'm not going to rape you, doctor. If you want me to go away and bring your friend back, you have to give me what I want but you can choose to say no and I'll just stay." He smiled harshly and shook Bones' face, "These are the rules. You tell me I can have you or you tell me I can't. But if you say I can, then I get to have you as copiously and creatively as I want. And I won't ask again. From here on out, I just take. So, doctor, last time. Will you give me what I want?"

Bones almost rebelled. A part of him feared he would never be able to forgive Jim for this. Another part feared he would never forgive himself. But he just didn't have the strength to fight. He started to nod his head, then stopped. No, that wouldn't be good enough. Somehow meeting Jim's eyes, he sighed. "Yes, Captain, I'll give you what you want." And then Jim was in him, his lips and hands all over him and the pain was intense and the pleasure was incredible and he didn't think again for a very long time.

Four hours later, Jim gave a final thrust into his bound lover, moaning and gasping his way through a mindbending climax. His dick was still pulsing with delicate little aftershocks as he pulled out and collapsed onto Bones' chest. His body felt like jelly and he knew he was finished. Glancing up, he noticed that Bones had turned his head and buried his face into his left bicep. He had come too, hard, erupting all over them as Jim had continued to take him with reckless abandon. And not just once. Jim couldn't even remember how many sexual perversities he had inflicted on his beautiful prisoner in the last five hours but they had been mutually enjoyed, at least physically. Mentally might be another matter entirely. Bones was broken and humiliated, Jim was well aware. And that was why he must hurry. He had to finish the plan before his rage and need for vengeance abandoned him completely. They had already taken quite a hit. He had poured them into Bones, into his mouth, into his beautiful body. He had suckled the defenseless doctor to readiness and then ridden him fiercely, reveling in the helpless cries and pained expressions as Bones realized that he had no control over his own body's physical ecstasy. Jim was tempted to quit now, to release the doctor's bindings and wrap himself around that lean and thoroughly used body, to give and receive forgiveness. But right now he had just enough anger to carry him through. And he had to finish. The plan, after all, was shear art.

He pushed himself up to a standing position, noticing how weak his legs felt. Pausing, he took a moment to admire the absolutely debaucherous view laid out before him on his bed. He took a complete scan of his prisoner, from the wrists still wrapped securely in a leather carriage rein and bound to the headboard, down to the sweatsoaked hair plastered to his exhausted face. His chest, groin, and legs were shiny and streaked with five hours worth of sweat and come, catching the light as he breathed. His feet were entangled in the one remaining bedsheet. Jim sighed contentedly. They would make up. And they would let go of their anger, Jim was almost sure they would. But regardless, he would keep this image with him for the rest of his life.

Jim showered quickly and dressed in a fresh uniform. Walking back over to his sleeping alcove, he sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed Bones' hair back with one hand. The green eyes opened but avoided his gaze.

"Let me go." The voice was tired and resigned.

Jim smiled down at him, "No, not quite yet."

Bones finally turned, met his eyes. "I have to be on duty in less than an hour!"

"Hmmmm, yeah, well that's what I wanted to talk to you about," Jim chuckled, "Actually, you're not who I need to talk to." Reaching over, he grabbed his portable communicator, "Kirk to bridge." He smiled down at Bones' confused face.

"Bridge here, Captain."

Jim reached out and firmly clamped his hand over Bones' mouth, "Yes, Lt. Uhura, could you please contact sickbay. Let them know that Dr. McCoy is under the weather today and will be taking some……..bed rest."

"I will relay the message, Captain."

"Excellent," he smirked down at the fuming, squirming doctor, "Kirk out."

Jumping up, he reached under his bed, searching for his other leather reign. Before the good doctor could digest what was happening, Jim had secured his ankle to the foot of the bed, effectively pinning him.

Bones had reached the end of his endurance. He pulled desperately on the bindings at his wrists and feet before rolling onto his side and searching the captain's face, "Jim, DAMMIT, ENOUGH!!!!!! I have a sickbay to run."

Jim shook his head, "Sorry, doctor, but it seems like you already forgot the first rule."

Bones gritted his teeth. Taking a deep breath, he tried again, "I'm sorry…Captain. Please let me go."

Jim leaned over him, pushing him onto his back. He reached out and grasped Bones' face, staring into his eyes. "I will, but not yet. No, I think you should lie here for a while and think about all of the things we…..discussed." With that, he kissed the livid doctor, playfully sucking on his bottom lip.

Standing, he headed towards the door. "Oh, and doctor. Get some sleep. I bet you need it. Computer, unlock captain's cabin, authorization Kirk, James 861132."

The door slid open. Jim walked into the hall, calling over his shoulder, "Have a nice day, dear."

The door slid shut behind him.

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A/N: After re-reading this, I noticed that Bones says dammit a lot. But I've been watching a whole bunch of TOS lately and let me tell you, Bones really does say dammit alot.....dammit!


	4. Chapter 4

I don't own Star Trek

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Part Four

He'd never have been able to pull it off alone. No, because when it came right down to it, it really wasn't his nature. He really was more of the forgive and forget type. Observe how easily he had gotten over it with Spock after the commander had nearly choked him to death on the bridge. Well, sure, he'd pretty much asked for it but…….

Back to the matter at hand. His two new friends and the power that came with them. He knew that he came off as brash, arrogant, and laid back and most of the time it was no act. He liked to be content. He liked to let shit go. He didn't cling to petty grievances. It was probably one of the traits that groomed him for command.

Well, he seemed to be experiencing some difficulty with the concept right now. If he could always let shit go then why was Bones still tied up in his cabin? Simple answer really. His two new friends had left the good doctor there and he had been fine with it, actually felt damn_ good_ about it at the time. But, alas, those two friends had proven to be pretty fickle. Rage and vengeance. The words even rolled off the tongue in a nasty way. And all the empowerment they had made him flush with didn't matter a damn bit after they abruptly deserted him two hours into his bridge shift. Leaving him alone. With his conscience.

He had spent the last five hours rolling this situation around in his head, trying to find some resolution. But the process was circular at best. Bones had hurt him. He had hurt Bones. Who had been hurt worse? Well, he supposed they could both make pretty damn impressive cases. He had loved the guy, really loved the guy. But Bones had once had his ass handed to him by love and he had to concede the guy's point that Jim Kirk did have a reputation as the randiest cadet of their year. Not exactly someone you want to jump into a committed relationship with, especially when you'd already been burned.

Yeah, but he had changed, really changed. And he'd done it _for_ Bones. He'd barely even gotten anything out of it. No, that really wasn't true either. What he hadn't gotten was nightly sex, which was an interesting omission, considering they had been roommates. But Jim would be lying to himself if he didn't admit that the few encounters they had shared had been by far the most physically and _emotionally_ satisfying of his life. And there had been so many other things, too. He'd gotten friendship, real friendship, the kick-your-ass-when-you-need-it variety. He'd gotten acceptance, a harsh but witty sense of humor, conviction, a moral compass. And he'd gotten love.

He'd done many things to his good friend the doctor during the last ten hours, hell, in the last five years, but he had never lied to him, not once. When he said that he had always known Bones loved him, that was the truth. But he had been wrong when he claimed Bones hadn't told him. He'd shown him in a million different ways. He'd just never said it aloud. If he felt it, if he knew it, then why couldn't he just say it? Jim had so craved that last little bit of assurance. It would have given them freedom to share and express those feelings instead of skirting around them. But Bones hadn't said the words and for years it had hurt like hell.

Had it hurt as bad as a phaser stun?

Rage and vengeance had been replaced by guilt and anger. He was mad at Bones, really angry, but the mindnumbing vitriole was gone. His own actions no longer seemed perfectly appropriate and justified. In fact, the longer he sat there, spinning idly back and forth in his ready room chair, the guiltier he felt. He had stunned Bones, actually stunned him. And he had held him prisoner under the auspices of doing it again. And then he had………..he didn't even know what to call it. It had the earmarks of a kinky bondage fantasy but with one substantial difference; they hadn't been playing a game. No, the fury, dominance, pain, and fear had all been very, very real.

And totally counterproductive! Fuck's sake, Bones had kept his mouth shut and his fly, mostly, zipped for three damn years because he had been unable to fully trust Jim with his heart. He couldn't begin to imagine what type of shape that trust was in now. Jim was no expert in the sentiment himself but he felt fairly confident that introducing weaponry into foreplay didn't really engender the emotion.

He glanced at the chronomotor. An hour to go in his shift. Damn, he had to get out of here. He could only run the specifics of the matter over in his head so many times. He had to take action, he had to go get Bones. And then they'd deal with it. Separately, perhaps. But he hoped it would be together. Either way, he couldn't sit here any longer. He was not a man to shirk his responsibility but this one time he was going to be selfish and make excuses.

Walking out on to the bridge, he located his first officer.

"Mr. Spock, I need to go talk to Dr. McCoy."

"A logical plan, Captain. I suggest you take what time you need to recover from your ordeal." His first officer stared at him with a hint of compassion.

For a moment, Jim nearly panicked. His ordeal? How the hell did Spock….oh, wait, Creil? Jim found it darkly amusing how easily he had filed away his supposed suicide mission. No, nothing wrong on Creil anymore. Whole planet had become a bastion of pacifism. So fuck you very much, Admiral Komack but the mining treaty was signed and sealed and Jim Kirk was still breathing, despite their best efforts and now the beauracratic twits could try to figure out some other way to try to bring him down. Actually, Jim found that whole situation rather satisfying but if Spock and the crew believed that he needed time to recover, well, he would certainly use that to his advantage. With a curt nod, Jim quit the Bridge.

It took him a full five minutes to garner the courage to palm open his cabin door. The room was dark and smelled of sweat…..and sex. He paused for a moment as the door slid closed, listening intently in the direction of his sleeping alcove. He didn't hear a thing and he cautiously crept over to survey the situation.

Bones slept the sleep of the mentally and physically exhausted. In Jim's absence he had apparently managed to use his free foot to hook the sheet and drag it up over his waist. He had twisted over onto his stomach and his arms were pillowed beneath his head. He would've appeared to be sacked out in his own bunk if it wasn't for the leather strap still encircling his wrists and wrapping around the headboard.

Jim stared, his course of action undecided. Well, he wanted them to talk, right. That meant leveling the playing field. The first order of business had to be letting the doctor loose. Making as little noise as possible, he walked over to the bed and released the leather straps from the head and footboard. He carefully dragged the looped binding off of Bones' foot. So far, so good. But when he moved to the head of the bed, he could see his luck had run out.

Bones didn't move. His head was still pillowed on his arm but his eyes remained fixed on the floor. Jim waited, unable to find the words to initiate the necessary conversation.

"Permission to use your shower………Captain."

Jim sighed. The caustic wit was still there but it was buried under layers of hurt and resignation.

"Jim," He answered quietly.

"What?"

"It's Jim, Bones."

Bones snorted, "Right." Swinging his legs around carefully, holding the sheet to his waist, he sat up on the bed and held out his hands, "Please take this off of me………Jim." His face, eyes, and voice were practically inflectionless.

Without a word, Jim took his hands and began undoing the tightly wound leather. As he unlooped the strap he was forced to suppress a gasp as he took in the flayed and bruised condition of Bones' wrist. So caught up was he in the examination that he failed to notice that he was holding each of Bones' hands in his own until the doctor firmly tugged them away and put them in his lap.

"I'm going to take a shower before I leave."

"What….shower? Yeah, shower." God, he sounded like a bastard but what else could he say? Sorry I trashed your hands. Hope I didn't permanently fuck up your surgical career? Shit! He hadn't even considered that! Jim hung his head as the bathroom door clicked shut.

He had to fix this. His dumbass doctor had finally admitted he loved him and he couldn't lose him now. Jim could hear the sonics running in the bathroom. He needed to do something while he waited. Looking around the room, he set about removing all evidence of the last twelve hours. He opened the vents to flush in fresh air, changed the sheets, and rolled up and hid the leather straps. He retrieved Bones' scattered clothing and placed it in a neat, folded pile on his dresser. He momentarily considered the torn blue overshirt before carefully tucking into a drawer. It smelled like Bones and if this situation didn't get resolved, the shirt might be the only thing Jim had left of him. Finally, he took a moment to slide his duty phaser into its locked drawer.

Then he waited. And waited. After rooming with the man for three years, he knew Bones to be a man of ablutive brevity. What the hell was taking so long? Frustrated, he pulled off his gold overshirt and chucked it into his dresser. His boots followed. Hell, the situation was tense enough, he might as well make himself comfortable, right. And still he waited. Half an hour had gone by. In the stillness, he became aware that the sonic shower had shut off and switched over to water. He glanced at the chronometer again. Five more minutes gone.

Jim felt a tense sensation in his stomach and took note of it. He knew this feeling, had come to rely on it throughout his command. He appreciated Spock but remained firmly convinced that all the logic in the world was not as good as solid gut instinct. His was sharper than most and right now it was telling him to get his ass up and into the bathroom. They had to talk and they had to do it now, while the emotions were still fresh, before they sank back behind their respective defense mechanisms of flirtatious detachment and biting sarcasm. Right now Bones was too raw to be witty and too tired to shut him out. He had to do it now. With a stride of determination, Jim pushed open the bathroom door.

For a second he thought Bones was actually gone. But no, he was seated on the shower floor, head against the back wall, eyes closed, letting the water rush over him. He looked exhausted and incredibly vulnerable and Jim felt a wave of despair rush over him. This wasn't going to work unless he and Bones could get on the same level. If one felt exposed and defenseless, then the other needed to experience that, too. Without giving himself a chance to reconsider, Jim pulled his shirt over his head and threw off his pants. Naked, he stepped into the shower and slid down the opposite wall.

The stream of water created a thick screen between the two men but Jim could still make out Bones' face. He hadn't opened his eyes but his expression seemed even more tense. Jim looked down to where their feet almost touched in the middle of the floor. He would have liked to brush their feet together, to initiate that physical contact but he just didn't dare. So he just sat, so close and yet so far away from the person he loved most in the world.

"Bones?"

"Go away, Jim. Please?"

"I'm not going away. We need to talk. Please talk to me!"

Bones emitted a raw, painful sound from deep in his chest. He was nearing his breaking point, Jim could feel it. No one knew how to get under Bones' skin as well as he did. Pure instinct told him that if he could just breach Bones' meager defenses then they would be able to unload their weighty issues and move on. He needed to take a risk, push Bones and hope to God his gut was leading him in the right direction. Leaning slightly forward, he sneered, "I thought you said you weren't afraid of me."

Without warning, Bones slammed his hand into the side of the shower. Through the water stream, Jim could barely make out the grimace on his face. "Well, I guess we both know that I was wrong. Does that make you feel good, Jim? Does it make you feel big and strong?"

Jim could feel his own pain and anger welling up inside of him. "Yeah, it does. I won't lie to you. I never lie to you. That's your hang-up, not mine. You spent three years with all the power. You strung me along, knowing how much I needed you, how much I relied on you, but you would never give me an official answer. So all this time I've thought you loved me, assumed you loved me, but never really known. For three FUCKING years! And today, for the first time, I became the one with the power. I had YOU on the fucking string and I used it to pin you down and keep you there. Because that's your whole damn problem, Bones. You didn't mind having me in a chokehold but you sure as hell didn't want it to be mutual. Because then you're not the one in control. Are you asking me if I liked it, having you completely at my mercy? I fucking loved it!" Tears threatened and he punched the floor of the shower as hard as he could. Sonofabitch, the damn captain of the Enterprise didn't cry in front of his officers. But right now he didn't feel like a captain. He felt like a scared kid. "So, tell me Bones? Why wasn't I worth the risk?"

For a long time the only sound was the steady drum of the shower stream hitting the floor and walls. Bones was staring at his bruised wrists, concentrating very, very hard on the different colors that were mottled together on his flesh. He would not look up, he would not see Jim cry. He couldn't do that to him.

Bones exhaled a long, slow breath, leaning his head back and fixing his eyes on the ceiling. He was losing this battle, hell, he'd already lost it. What were they going to do? Walk away from each other? He didn't think they'd know how. And where would that leave him even if he did? He'd found a person he could love, really, really love. He'd hurt Jim badly but Jim hadn't fled. Instead, he had turned around and fought him with everything he had for the right to keep him. His ex had thrown him away. Jim had dug claws into him and held on. How the hell could he not give this man what he wanted? Bones sighed. Right now, what Jim wanted was the truth.

"Honestly, I never really believed there was a risk"

There was a long pause. "What the hell is that supposed to mean."

"It simple. You're you. You're Jim Kirk and Jim Kirk is invincible. I told myself over and over that someday, maybe even tomorrow, I would be ready to tell you. And I convinced myself that there would always be another day. It sounds insane, don't I know. After all, I'm the one who's always bitching about all the risks you take and putting you back together. But I'd seen you pull through so many times, I just got used to the idea of you living forever. And then, all of the sudden, you were going to die, and I realized how badly I'd miscalculated. I made a mistake, a big one, but you know me and you know why. When I said I loved you, I meant it and you goddamn well know that, too. And now I've broken your heart and you've shot me in the chest. It seems we've both unloaded a world of hurt on each other. So now what? You want to keep playing this game? Cause I'm an old man and I'm getting damn sick of it."

A small beeping sound erupted from the showerhead, indicating water rations to expire in five, four, three, two, one. The spray suddenly cut off and the two men found themselves face to face without the protective shield of spray. Eyes quickly averted and the two just sat there in the gradually cooling air of the bathroom.

Jim couldn't take it anymore. The stress of the last seventy-two hours, the real possibility of death, Bones' confession, his own guilt over his actions was threatening to overwhelm him. He couldn't sit there without turning to Bones for comfort and comfort looked far from the doctor's mind. Jim's face contorted in pain. He'd played his hand. He'd lost and he wasn't going to sit there and wallow in it. He brought his arms downs to push himself off the shower floor when Bones suddenly exploded into action. His right hand shot out, grasping Jim's left ankle and yanking with all his might. Jim slid down the wall, across the shower floor, cracking his head lightly as he fell. For a moment he lost focus and then Bones was hovering over him, fingers grinding into the pressure points on either side of his clavicle and Jim felt his arms fall limp and helpless at his sides. Bones eyes were wild as he hovered over Jim's face.

"I oughta gut you like a fish."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. If that's what you want."

"Oh yeah, now you're going to give _me_ what _I _want?"

"Quid pro quo, Bones. You gave me what I wanted."

"And what do you want now?"

"Same thing. I want you to kiss me like you love me.

"I do love you, you ignorant ass farm boy"

Jim smiled. _Ah, doctor, I have missed your gentle self-expression_. And he pulled their mouths together.

Some undetermined time later, Jim slowly unbent his legs and stretched them up the wall. Ow, ow, owwwwww! Everything was cold, numb, or cramped. Turning his head, he looked over at Bones. Had they actually fallen asleep in the shower. Bones' head popped up, surveying their surroundings. "Jesus Christ, leave it to you. Why the hell are we still in the shower?" He pushed himself into a sitting postion. "Enough of this. I'm cold and I hurt and I need to get some real sleep. And you haven't slept in hours. We are getting your ass in bed or I'm sending you to sickbay."

Jim continued to sprawl on his back and smiled. So everything might not be perfect yet. So they had some shit to work out between them. What couple didn't? But at that moment, Jim couldn't think of a sweeter thing than his doctor bitching about his health and well being while kneeling naked over him in the shower.

"Let's go, Jim." Bones hauled Jim to his feet, both of them groaning through sore muscles. Starship shower floors were not built to accommodate two grown men. Bones wrapped himself in a towel and threw another to Jim before heading out into the cabin. He scanned the room, appreciating Jim's cleaning efforts. Spying his clothes, he was heading over to the dresser when a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around his waist, halting his progress. Gentle kisses were pressed into the back of his neck.

"You need to sleep, Jim."

"I know. And I promise I'll do just what the doctor ordered………if you stay and sleep with me."

"Jim, that isn't going to help you."

"C'mon now. You've gotten really good at giving me what I want. Why stop now?"

Bones sighed, "Jim, I can't…..it's too much right now……..I need to take a few days and….heal."

Sighing in exasperation, Jim spun him around, quickly re-clasping his arms around his waist. "When will you realize I'm not just a sex fiend. I love you for more than just your body, you know. I want your heart and your mind and your rotten, sarcastic, ass-kicking tongue, too. And right now I just want to curl up and hold you because I am a raw, emotional wreck. And you, doctor, are my medicine. Now come the hell to bed!" Reaching around them, he grabbed a hold of Bones' boxers. "Here. You can even keep your panties on if it makes you feel better."

Bones shot him a withering look as he snatched the black material and quickly slid them on. Turning, he saw that Jim had done the same. "We match again," he thought in a moment of piqued amusement. He stopped and stared at the bed for a moment, undecided, as Jim slid up behind him, wrapping his arms around Bones' waist and resting his chin on his shoulder.

Bones felt teeth delicately nipping his ear. "Please stay." The voice was definitly plaintive and he felt Jim's toes caressing his heel, gently nudging his foot into a forward step. "Give me what I want."

"Yeah, yeah, alright." There was just no resisting this. And as he sank down into the mattress and felt Jim spoon up behind him, he realized he didn't want to. Fear and doubt had exhausted him and left him with no satisfaction. Wasn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? It was time to change things up. It was time to try trust.

He gently wound his hand around Jim's and nestled them by his face. He could see the dark bruises ringing his wrists and the paranoid space doctor inside of him immediately sprang to life, wanting to get a skin replicator on them and inject several hyposprays to ward off possible infection. But at that moment Jim sighed, his warm breath caressing Bones' shoulder and hair. He sighed contentedly, closing his eyes and snuggling into the warm body behind him. Fuck the hypospray. He'd deal with it in the morning.


End file.
